The Friend Zone


Its funny, We spend what feels like a huge amount time looking for meaningful relationships but an equal part sabotaging them. I’m not even talking about relationships. just basic friendships. because lets face it if we can sustain them what hope do we have of having real sexual relations.

That thought occurred to me today when coming home on the bus. I was thinking about the last time I actually enjoyed the company of a good friend.

Silly things tend to get between us like Money, Gossip and jealousy.

I really don’t want to sit here and preach but was it really worth end. I mean all that time you spent with them must have been for a reason. is it really something you can’t talk about and sort out.

You only really end up more alone and troubled without them.

Out of the Void…..


……Into the Black.

Inspirations been lacking lately. I’ve been so busy trying to build my future that I feel like I’ve let my creativity down.

My single minded determination to better my life through the pursuit of basic things like work, money and stability has become so time consuming and demanding I feel like I’ve let my creativity rot.

Not just that but my personal life is also suffering. It eats me up to not be able to do the things I want because of a lack of funds. Maybe it’s the hunter gatherer in me. The need to provide and protect. In my current situation if I wanted to do anything fun like go out… or play poker it would be impossible. No funds.

It gets worse… I met someone. She’s amazing. Fun caring. Amazingly attractive.  The only downside is me. Maybe it’s because I don’t feel good enough for her right now, maybe it’s the old fashioned man that wants to treat her to things. Not to buy affection but because I can and she deserves nice things. Like good food and drink. Trips to nice places. You know the romantic things. But then again it comes from both sides. I pulled away… it’s my pride I guess.

This is where it all becomes a bit of a mess. My personal life and my financing don’t match its affecting everything. My creativity is suffering. My dating life is just awkward and I can’t do anything but keep my head down and try harder to find work. It’s a vicious circle.

I usually have a positive or funny message at the end of my posts…. This time I have no idea how to spin it.

I don’t feel as bad as I did in my last post. I know i was at the bottom then. I knew things could only get better but its still black.

Things are darkest before the dawn I suppose.

The Void….


No one wants to read about depressing issues but I hope by writing this down and letting it out I’ll feel better.

This is therapy and you are my therapists. Mute blank faces I don’t have to worry about feeding me bullshit like “Don’t Give Up” and “Stay positive”.

Those are the words of people making themselves feel better by saying what they think they should. I’m not suicidal. I’m not mentally ill. You don’t need to worry about guilt from not having done anything for me. It’s not like that. I promise.
It’s just…..

I have this sinking feeling inside my chest. I have this strange dark rotten feeling because I don’t know how I’m going to get through this part of my life.

I’ve tried keeping myself occupied with hobbies, looking for things to do that involve other people, making the most of my time when I’m not Job hunting so I don’t feel like this, but it creeps up on me.

I try and stay positive but… It’s a weight. A Chain that wraps around my chest and makes it hard to breath. A black Hole that sucks anything good away from my mind.

Bruce Lee once said “What you habitually think largely determines what you will ultimately become.”  That scares me I don’t want to become a failure.

Believe me I’m trying to stay positive But I have no job. With no job I can not pay for uni next September. I have no credit to get a loan. I’m stuck living in a place where I spend my time alone because the people around me are worse than being alone. What little money I do get goes on food. I cant afford to go out with my friends and when I do go out with them (Very rarely now) I feel like a mooch (beggar) because I have no money to do what they do. I have Debt again. Not much but enough to make me feel worse. It doesn’t help that the past three times I’ve thought I had a new job something has happened to change the situation. They’ve found someone else or the vacancy has been cancelled due to budget cuts.

I suppose I should look at the positives right now. I have a roof over my head. I have my health…. Damn it that’s about it.

It can only get better I know. But i don’t know how much more of this I can take.

Even Mcdonalds turned me down.

But its ok… All I have to do is “Stay Positive”

The next person who wants to say that STOP… Think for a second. Wouldn’t it be far more helpful to see if that friend of yours can get me a job. I assure you I’m one of the hardest working people you’ll ever meet.

I’m not going to tempt fate too much.. But it can’t get much worse than this.

CAN IT????

Motivation..


Today has been a slow day…

It’s nice to do nothing for a while. It’s nice to lay back and relax. It’s nice to ignore your phone and prioritise nothing but your own gluttony and whims.

But I feel like I’m cheating. I’m still hunting for work. I’m still stuck in this place called limbo. I’m doing every thing I can to find work but still no luck.

On the plus side it’s time for a new suit. The best way to boost your moral is to treat yourself. So last week I went shopping. Normally I hate clothes shopping. I’m terrible at it. I’m not ashamed to say when ever I go clothes shopping I seek out a female attendant and ask her what would suit me. I see it like this.

People feel good when they look attractive and since I find it hard to keep up with what looks good why not ask for a females perspective. Who else to tell you what makes you look good than a member of the opposite sex.

I look good, I feel good. I feel Good people want to hire me because I make them feel good and give off a positive impression. Its a positive circle.

I can’t wait till I get my new suit. It will be ready to pick up on Wednesday.

SUIT UP!!

The Dating Game (The First Date)


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The first date has always been a stressful thing if you like someone. Think about it… It’s a date… In my opinion you don’t call it a date unless you like someone, so a first date is all about making sure you put your best foot forward, give the best possible impression and let her (or him depending on your taste) know how cool and appealing you are.

It’s like a job interview that works both ways. You’re testing the water to see if you want to know more about them.

I once had a first date I didn’t even know was a date until she told me. That took me by surprise. I mean it was silly of me to assume anything in the first place but it was so last minuet I figured it was a quick drink just to say hello.

Maybe I should explain…

So as you know I’m a member of an on-line dating website. It’s interesting to say the least. I’ve spoken to all types of women. Now my profile has something on it that i hope attracts women with a little more personality. A challenge if you will. Nothing smart assed just a simple line that says “You should message me if: You’re not afraid to drop a message to me and see if we click. I like people with guts/courage.”

That’s exactly what she did.

Let us call her Missy simply because she is the type of girl who likes to play stubborn sometimes (it’s actually quite attractive simple because she has a little look that says “Don’t F**K with me” but a gleam in her eyes that says “Challenge me I dare you”)

Missy’s profile was quite short. (The type of profile that I hate) There was nothing really to go on apart from the fact that she was just exploring on line dating for the first time and she had no idea what she wanted to write. There was nothing to build a conversation around. But she took the time to message me and I was curious because she seemed quite funny.

As we continued to talk and the picture I got of her began to grow I found myself looking forward to Missy’s next message. She worked about 20 minutes away from me and lived even closer. Her passion was technology but yet her pictures made her look like the type of woman who wouldn’t give me a second look. You’ve seen her before, attractive and stylish with a mix of sexy that usually when out and about I would class as out of my league. Then one Friday night it happened. She was finishing work and wondered if I wanted to meet up for a quick drink.

Now let me just say I was shocked. Not only had she messaged me first but now she was asking me out for a drink. SHE ASKED ME! I mean I WAS going to ask her. I was thinking about at least seeing if she wanted to exchange numbers first. You know… Just to test the waters, the safe way to see if Missy was interested in talking on the phone before I asked her out.

I arrived at our meeting place with time to spare. I wasn’t nervous. I was curious more than anything. I figured I had time to spare and I could get my thoughts in order. I was wrong. As soon as I had arrived and removed my head phones Missy was standing in front of me. She looked so much more attractive in person than her profile picture and I wasn’t ready for that. Nerves started to get the better of me and I admit it, this meeting had me at a loss for words. This never happens.

We walked and talked for a while before arriving at a pub about 15mins away. I had mixed first impressions of this woman. Her accent wasn’t as bad as she had once made out but I could see why she thought people might have issues understanding her. It had nothing to do with the accent or what she said in my opinion. More likely is that men probably got distracted by her other features and just don’t pay attention. (I’m referring to Missy’s well-proportioned chest, legs and backside, or simply her full lips that look so enticing. See… I’m getting distracted just thinking about them) It was how opinionated she was that caught me off guard. I loved it. She wasn’t afraid to say what she thought, disagree if she thought I was wrong or simply correct me. It was so refreshing after dealing with all the yes women in my life. Missy was a triple threat, Smart, sexy and Attractive.

During the time at the bar we talked about so much I won’t sit and list what we went through but it was at that point she dropped the dreaded D word… you know… Date… Again I was caught off guard. I had thought this was a quick meeting to suss each other out. Find out if we really did like each other and if there was any point continuing to talk. My nerves got the better of me and I must have rambled something incoherent. Missy just took it in her stride and we moved the conversation on.

After drinks we took another walk, this time down to our local canal which after 8 months of living in London Missy hadn’t seen yet. We had purchased more drinks and decided to take a seat at a spot that seemed peaceful and ideal for talking. Our conversation brushed on our lives, family and where we want to go with our futures. It felt natural to me. By the time we got cold and decided to start walking home I was determined to see what it was like to kiss her.  I wasn’t going to let her get in there first. It was the only way I could let her know I was interested short of confessing my interest like some sort of shy dopey movie hero. It wasn’t romantic, it wasn’t a huge film style gesture, but it was our first kiss. It was a simple hasty yank into my arms fuelled by nerves and curiosity type of kiss.

The Missy accidental first date incident didn’t turn out how I thought first dates were meant to be. It was far better. It was real and it was personal. I think that’s because I wasn’t worried about how a man should act on a first date. I wasn’t worried about making a lasting impression of a date to beat all dates or wooing this woman into my bed. (Don’t get me wrong, I would have totally enjoyed a weekend of nothing but sex, food and films with Missy)

To me it was a brief meeting of two people exploring each other’s potential and getting to know one another. An opportunity to find out if there was chemistry you can’t feel on-line and decide if we wanted to date that turned into a first Date.

And The Winner Is…


Obviously Never You……

You know that feeling when you invest you time and effort into something and it turns out it was in vain. That moment when you know the response you’re about to hear isn’t the one you worked so hard for.

The feeling you get as you wait for the answer your stomach is twisted, your body feel tired from all the effort sort of relieved the waiting is coming to an end.  You are willing with all your heart and soul that things go your way.

Yeah that.

But they don’t.

The answers no… There are so many ways in our language to say “No”

Job interviews have the most impersonal lines.

“Thank you for your time we just feel there’s no space in our organisation for you at this point.”

That’s great.. but what was wrong with us for you not to have a place for us… if you told us we could work on it and become stronger in the future.

Or how about the brush off.

“We have your details we will contact you soon.”

No you won’t, just let us know we wasn’t successful and we can move on.

It’s not just jobs that give us the indirect “No”… recognise these?

“Sorry I have a boy friend…”

“Yeah Right!” (always a harsh one)

And My personal favourite and most experienced brush off.

“You’re such a great friend I wouldn’t want to ruin that.”

Personally I prefer the straight…

“You seem nice but your just not my type.”

The funny thing is no matter how the “no” is delivered you end up with that same disappointing feeling, the more you want it the worse it feels.

But believe me it serves a purpose…

That one time out of what feels like 100…. That one time she smiles and says she’d love to go out or she’d love a drink.

That one time when you actually build up the guts to talk to her and you hit it off……

That one time when you spend 3 weeks working on your interview presentation and they are so impressed by your work that they hire you on the spot.

They leave you on such a high that you end up forgetting about your past disappointments.

I’m still working through the disappointments looking for my high……

Welcome back Internet.


I never thought I’d miss my internet time as much as I have for the past few days.

With everything that’s been going on I feel like I havent had time to focus my efforts on producing something of quality to post to my Blog.

Rest assured some time before sunday I will put up a new post that I feel deserves to be posted, until then I’ll continue to enjoy reading  strippedcanvas  and dirtylittlewhispers

I hope this keeps you entertained untill then.

I’m geeking out about this film so much…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NPoHPNeU9fc&feature=share