The Void….

No one wants to read about depressing issues but I hope by writing this down and letting it out I’ll feel better.

This is therapy and you are my therapists. Mute blank faces I don’t have to worry about feeding me bullshit like “Don’t Give Up” and “Stay positive”.

Those are the words of people making themselves feel better by saying what they think they should. I’m not suicidal. I’m not mentally ill. You don’t need to worry about guilt from not having done anything for me. It’s not like that. I promise.
It’s just…..

I have this sinking feeling inside my chest. I have this strange dark rotten feeling because I don’t know how I’m going to get through this part of my life.

I’ve tried keeping myself occupied with hobbies, looking for things to do that involve other people, making the most of my time when I’m not Job hunting so I don’t feel like this, but it creeps up on me.

I try and stay positive but… It’s a weight. A Chain that wraps around my chest and makes it hard to breath. A black Hole that sucks anything good away from my mind.

Bruce Lee once said “What you habitually think largely determines what you will ultimately become.”  That scares me I don’t want to become a failure.

Believe me I’m trying to stay positive But I have no job. With no job I can not pay for uni next September. I have no credit to get a loan. I’m stuck living in a place where I spend my time alone because the people around me are worse than being alone. What little money I do get goes on food. I cant afford to go out with my friends and when I do go out with them (Very rarely now) I feel like a mooch (beggar) because I have no money to do what they do. I have Debt again. Not much but enough to make me feel worse. It doesn’t help that the past three times I’ve thought I had a new job something has happened to change the situation. They’ve found someone else or the vacancy has been cancelled due to budget cuts.

I suppose I should look at the positives right now. I have a roof over my head. I have my health…. Damn it that’s about it.

It can only get better I know. But i don’t know how much more of this I can take.

Even Mcdonalds turned me down.

But its ok… All I have to do is “Stay Positive”

The next person who wants to say that STOP… Think for a second. Wouldn’t it be far more helpful to see if that friend of yours can get me a job. I assure you I’m one of the hardest working people you’ll ever meet.

I’m not going to tempt fate too much.. But it can’t get much worse than this.

CAN IT????


Short Thought….

I like to think I’m a modern gentleman when it comes to women.
I like to think I can pull of discreet glances at women I find attractive without making them feel awkward by wolf whistling and/or taking pictures. A common courtesy I think. I like to hold the door. Not just to be polite but so I watch you slip past and hope for that Come talk to me smile.

I don’t do these things because I think women are weak. On the contrary you women have more power than you know (or even let on that you know).
It’s because you fascinate me. Women can make or break a man. Fill us with confidence or break us. It’s just a question of finding the right ones…..

Introducing Me!!!

I feel like there should be a drum roll. Maybe before we start you could do something for me….

In your mind picture a theatre. In this theatre there is a large stage with polish wooden floors and a closed curtain. You know the type that magicians and performers have rolled apart as they enter or the performance starts. The ones you see in scenes like Fred Astaire’s “Puttin’ On the Ritz” But the main difference is its red.

OK so now, just have your image of me standing in front of it wearing a tux and lit by a single spotlight. Great… Now I’m comfortable.

It’s been a long time coming doing this. I’ve always wanted my own page to give people a little insight into who I am but I wasn’t sure if anyone would read it.

Right now I think I should just write and if your reading this great. Enjoy. There are so many things I’m going to write about on this site. I thought the best thing to do was throw up a little bit about me beforehand.

I’ve travelled a lot. The time you spent in Uni, or working to start your careers building friendships and starting the lives you want I jumped Ship left London UK and started to visit other places. I did this simply to find my place I’ve never felt accepted and I’ve not really had many close friends. (Please, this isn’t a cry for oh poor Me. or a plea for attention. Just a simple statement of my situation and experiences) Because of this it was really easy for me to jump up and leave alone to work my way around looking for somewhere I felt like I fit in. I loved my time. It was great. I got to see real Geisha in Japan, the sun set into the ocean on board a cruise ship. Even watch fireworks go off under a plane as I came in to land. But I never felt like I found what I needed.

Fast forward to the end of last year, I’m back in London and desperately looking for work. Anything, and anywhere that could allow me to make some money and better my situation.  Having no money and nothing to do, No future plans and no idea of what i should be doing with my life. (That’s a scary place to be) I had quit DJing because I couldn’t be that type of person any more. I needed a focus.

Then I found Scientology…. HAHAHA yeah right…. Scared you there didn’t I.

Well no i didn’t find religion… I didn’t find a woman who changed my life. It was my cousin who came to my rescue. He had come over from the good old USA for an interview with a few huge companies. He’s a creative. A guy that comes up with all the stuff we see and hear in advertising and promotions. To cut a long story short he suggested I should be doing the same thing and to save you the boring parts in short he helped me to realise how to regain my focus and thus my path lead to drawing, writing and creating things.

Now here’s the funny thing. I’ve all ways been doing in in one way or another. Looking to fit in by moving and trying new things. Recreating my image to make myself more confident. Creating mixes for people to dance to and have a good time. Designing events and shows for people to enjoy. Even down to little things like Always re decorating my room.  (Seriously. it’s never quite finished)

So I guess this brings me to who I am today… A guy with a plan/an idea of where he wants to be, what he wants to do. Learning how to make friends when people have already formed cliques, wanting to meet the right person and writing in a blog to vent some of his creativeness……

This blog will be a place to vent and document life as a single London based male looks for a place to fit in and a life i want….

Too mellow dramatic??? How about…

A place to Let you know the shit that happens to me….

OK we’ll figure this out later..

HI, I’m Bee. Nice to meet you readers.