Isn’t It Funny..


I finally realised it today, I finally saw movies for what they are… The opportunity to rub our noses in the fantasy we want consciously or sub consciously for our selves.

Take the Inbetweeners Movie for example… Heres the plot.

SPOILER ALERT>>> STOP READING NOW IF YOUR ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO HATE KNOWING WHAT HAPPENS BEFORE IT DOES>>>>

Four Friends Each with a different insecurity.. aged around 19 to 21 go away on holiday to drink and have sex. Each have relatively no experience with women. By the middle of the movie even if you havent seen the tv series that came before this you’re praying for something to go their way. By the end of the movie.. if your anything like me you’re going to be wishing you was one of the four male leads.

The film uses four guys to talk to all of our own insecurities, blows them out of proportion and make me feel worse.

Great… It’s all good… But now the movies finished I find myself sitting here wondering why I’m single….

And I was doing so well burying my neurosis under keeping busy by working.

Still Its a great film…

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Its been a while…


I didn’t run away… I didnt forget… There has been a lot going on…

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So i got a job. Make that three. I find myself working away and building the life style i want. Things are moving along nicely. My calender is becoming fuller and my options more limited but its a nice feeling. I feel whole again. I no longer feel usless and i have gained a new perspective.

Welcome to the working class.

The Friend Zone


Its funny, We spend what feels like a huge amount time looking for meaningful relationships but an equal part sabotaging them. I’m not even talking about relationships. just basic friendships. because lets face it if we can sustain them what hope do we have of having real sexual relations.

That thought occurred to me today when coming home on the bus. I was thinking about the last time I actually enjoyed the company of a good friend.

Silly things tend to get between us like Money, Gossip and jealousy.

I really don’t want to sit here and preach but was it really worth end. I mean all that time you spent with them must have been for a reason. is it really something you can’t talk about and sort out.

You only really end up more alone and troubled without them.

Out of the Void…..


……Into the Black.

Inspirations been lacking lately. I’ve been so busy trying to build my future that I feel like I’ve let my creativity down.

My single minded determination to better my life through the pursuit of basic things like work, money and stability has become so time consuming and demanding I feel like I’ve let my creativity rot.

Not just that but my personal life is also suffering. It eats me up to not be able to do the things I want because of a lack of funds. Maybe it’s the hunter gatherer in me. The need to provide and protect. In my current situation if I wanted to do anything fun like go out… or play poker it would be impossible. No funds.

It gets worse… I met someone. She’s amazing. Fun caring. Amazingly attractive.  The only downside is me. Maybe it’s because I don’t feel good enough for her right now, maybe it’s the old fashioned man that wants to treat her to things. Not to buy affection but because I can and she deserves nice things. Like good food and drink. Trips to nice places. You know the romantic things. But then again it comes from both sides. I pulled away… it’s my pride I guess.

This is where it all becomes a bit of a mess. My personal life and my financing don’t match its affecting everything. My creativity is suffering. My dating life is just awkward and I can’t do anything but keep my head down and try harder to find work. It’s a vicious circle.

I usually have a positive or funny message at the end of my posts…. This time I have no idea how to spin it.

I don’t feel as bad as I did in my last post. I know i was at the bottom then. I knew things could only get better but its still black.

Things are darkest before the dawn I suppose.

Motivation..


Today has been a slow day…

It’s nice to do nothing for a while. It’s nice to lay back and relax. It’s nice to ignore your phone and prioritise nothing but your own gluttony and whims.

But I feel like I’m cheating. I’m still hunting for work. I’m still stuck in this place called limbo. I’m doing every thing I can to find work but still no luck.

On the plus side it’s time for a new suit. The best way to boost your moral is to treat yourself. So last week I went shopping. Normally I hate clothes shopping. I’m terrible at it. I’m not ashamed to say when ever I go clothes shopping I seek out a female attendant and ask her what would suit me. I see it like this.

People feel good when they look attractive and since I find it hard to keep up with what looks good why not ask for a females perspective. Who else to tell you what makes you look good than a member of the opposite sex.

I look good, I feel good. I feel Good people want to hire me because I make them feel good and give off a positive impression. Its a positive circle.

I can’t wait till I get my new suit. It will be ready to pick up on Wednesday.

SUIT UP!!

And The Winner Is…


Obviously Never You……

You know that feeling when you invest you time and effort into something and it turns out it was in vain. That moment when you know the response you’re about to hear isn’t the one you worked so hard for.

The feeling you get as you wait for the answer your stomach is twisted, your body feel tired from all the effort sort of relieved the waiting is coming to an end.  You are willing with all your heart and soul that things go your way.

Yeah that.

But they don’t.

The answers no… There are so many ways in our language to say “No”

Job interviews have the most impersonal lines.

“Thank you for your time we just feel there’s no space in our organisation for you at this point.”

That’s great.. but what was wrong with us for you not to have a place for us… if you told us we could work on it and become stronger in the future.

Or how about the brush off.

“We have your details we will contact you soon.”

No you won’t, just let us know we wasn’t successful and we can move on.

It’s not just jobs that give us the indirect “No”… recognise these?

“Sorry I have a boy friend…”

“Yeah Right!” (always a harsh one)

And My personal favourite and most experienced brush off.

“You’re such a great friend I wouldn’t want to ruin that.”

Personally I prefer the straight…

“You seem nice but your just not my type.”

The funny thing is no matter how the “no” is delivered you end up with that same disappointing feeling, the more you want it the worse it feels.

But believe me it serves a purpose…

That one time out of what feels like 100…. That one time she smiles and says she’d love to go out or she’d love a drink.

That one time when you actually build up the guts to talk to her and you hit it off……

That one time when you spend 3 weeks working on your interview presentation and they are so impressed by your work that they hire you on the spot.

They leave you on such a high that you end up forgetting about your past disappointments.

I’m still working through the disappointments looking for my high……