The Friend Zone


Its funny, We spend what feels like a huge amount time looking for meaningful relationships but an equal part sabotaging them. I’m not even talking about relationships. just basic friendships. because lets face it if we can sustain them what hope do we have of having real sexual relations.

That thought occurred to me today when coming home on the bus. I was thinking about the last time I actually enjoyed the company of a good friend.

Silly things tend to get between us like Money, Gossip and jealousy.

I really don’t want to sit here and preach but was it really worth end. I mean all that time you spent with them must have been for a reason. is it really something you can’t talk about and sort out.

You only really end up more alone and troubled without them.

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The Void….


No one wants to read about depressing issues but I hope by writing this down and letting it out I’ll feel better.

This is therapy and you are my therapists. Mute blank faces I don’t have to worry about feeding me bullshit like “Don’t Give Up” and “Stay positive”.

Those are the words of people making themselves feel better by saying what they think they should. I’m not suicidal. I’m not mentally ill. You don’t need to worry about guilt from not having done anything for me. It’s not like that. I promise.
It’s just…..

I have this sinking feeling inside my chest. I have this strange dark rotten feeling because I don’t know how I’m going to get through this part of my life.

I’ve tried keeping myself occupied with hobbies, looking for things to do that involve other people, making the most of my time when I’m not Job hunting so I don’t feel like this, but it creeps up on me.

I try and stay positive but… It’s a weight. A Chain that wraps around my chest and makes it hard to breath. A black Hole that sucks anything good away from my mind.

Bruce Lee once said “What you habitually think largely determines what you will ultimately become.”  That scares me I don’t want to become a failure.

Believe me I’m trying to stay positive But I have no job. With no job I can not pay for uni next September. I have no credit to get a loan. I’m stuck living in a place where I spend my time alone because the people around me are worse than being alone. What little money I do get goes on food. I cant afford to go out with my friends and when I do go out with them (Very rarely now) I feel like a mooch (beggar) because I have no money to do what they do. I have Debt again. Not much but enough to make me feel worse. It doesn’t help that the past three times I’ve thought I had a new job something has happened to change the situation. They’ve found someone else or the vacancy has been cancelled due to budget cuts.

I suppose I should look at the positives right now. I have a roof over my head. I have my health…. Damn it that’s about it.

It can only get better I know. But i don’t know how much more of this I can take.

Even Mcdonalds turned me down.

But its ok… All I have to do is “Stay Positive”

The next person who wants to say that STOP… Think for a second. Wouldn’t it be far more helpful to see if that friend of yours can get me a job. I assure you I’m one of the hardest working people you’ll ever meet.

I’m not going to tempt fate too much.. But it can’t get much worse than this.

CAN IT????

Days like today…


They’re one in 365….

I have to admit the day started off bad…. I woke up to the realisation I had no job… I was back on unemployment and if things carried on like this I may not be able to go to uni in September.  I’m 26, Single, living in a situation that makes me unhappy and a real lack of close friends.

On the friends thing I have either offended or have just grown away from me. I’m not sure which it is to be honest, both seem plausible possibilities to me right now.

So I guess I felt sorry for myself. Well wouldn’t you?

So I got myself together and left the house. I wasn’t going to sit around and let myself feel like the bottom of the barrel all day. I was going to do something about it.

First stop Job centre. I’m poor right now. No bus pass, no money. The food i get is on tab from a local shop. So I walk. I put my headphones on, pack my C.V. in my bag and head off in the direction of that black hole, source of malaise and all around disturbing place.

I really don’t know what happened in that thirty minuet journey. It might have been the sunshine, it might have been the Incubus songs (switch-blade is my favourite right now click the name for the song.),  it simply could have been the fresh air whatever it was my mood lightened and I came up with this equation.

Life will get better. All I need is:

(Job/Time + Saving)= Uni
(Uni/Learning+New Friends/Experiences) / Future plans =  Hopeful

Made me smile

Now I don’t feel as bad. It will all happen. I just got to keep focused and busy.

Happy now…. I have a plan.