Out of the Void…..


……Into the Black.

Inspirations been lacking lately. I’ve been so busy trying to build my future that I feel like I’ve let my creativity down.

My single minded determination to better my life through the pursuit of basic things like work, money and stability has become so time consuming and demanding I feel like I’ve let my creativity rot.

Not just that but my personal life is also suffering. It eats me up to not be able to do the things I want because of a lack of funds. Maybe it’s the hunter gatherer in me. The need to provide and protect. In my current situation if I wanted to do anything fun like go out… or play poker it would be impossible. No funds.

It gets worse… I met someone. She’s amazing. Fun caring. Amazingly attractive.  The only downside is me. Maybe it’s because I don’t feel good enough for her right now, maybe it’s the old fashioned man that wants to treat her to things. Not to buy affection but because I can and she deserves nice things. Like good food and drink. Trips to nice places. You know the romantic things. But then again it comes from both sides. I pulled away… it’s my pride I guess.

This is where it all becomes a bit of a mess. My personal life and my financing don’t match its affecting everything. My creativity is suffering. My dating life is just awkward and I can’t do anything but keep my head down and try harder to find work. It’s a vicious circle.

I usually have a positive or funny message at the end of my posts…. This time I have no idea how to spin it.

I don’t feel as bad as I did in my last post. I know i was at the bottom then. I knew things could only get better but its still black.

Things are darkest before the dawn I suppose.

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The Void….


No one wants to read about depressing issues but I hope by writing this down and letting it out I’ll feel better.

This is therapy and you are my therapists. Mute blank faces I don’t have to worry about feeding me bullshit like “Don’t Give Up” and “Stay positive”.

Those are the words of people making themselves feel better by saying what they think they should. I’m not suicidal. I’m not mentally ill. You don’t need to worry about guilt from not having done anything for me. It’s not like that. I promise.
It’s just…..

I have this sinking feeling inside my chest. I have this strange dark rotten feeling because I don’t know how I’m going to get through this part of my life.

I’ve tried keeping myself occupied with hobbies, looking for things to do that involve other people, making the most of my time when I’m not Job hunting so I don’t feel like this, but it creeps up on me.

I try and stay positive but… It’s a weight. A Chain that wraps around my chest and makes it hard to breath. A black Hole that sucks anything good away from my mind.

Bruce Lee once said “What you habitually think largely determines what you will ultimately become.”  That scares me I don’t want to become a failure.

Believe me I’m trying to stay positive But I have no job. With no job I can not pay for uni next September. I have no credit to get a loan. I’m stuck living in a place where I spend my time alone because the people around me are worse than being alone. What little money I do get goes on food. I cant afford to go out with my friends and when I do go out with them (Very rarely now) I feel like a mooch (beggar) because I have no money to do what they do. I have Debt again. Not much but enough to make me feel worse. It doesn’t help that the past three times I’ve thought I had a new job something has happened to change the situation. They’ve found someone else or the vacancy has been cancelled due to budget cuts.

I suppose I should look at the positives right now. I have a roof over my head. I have my health…. Damn it that’s about it.

It can only get better I know. But i don’t know how much more of this I can take.

Even Mcdonalds turned me down.

But its ok… All I have to do is “Stay Positive”

The next person who wants to say that STOP… Think for a second. Wouldn’t it be far more helpful to see if that friend of yours can get me a job. I assure you I’m one of the hardest working people you’ll ever meet.

I’m not going to tempt fate too much.. But it can’t get much worse than this.

CAN IT????

Motivation..


Today has been a slow day…

It’s nice to do nothing for a while. It’s nice to lay back and relax. It’s nice to ignore your phone and prioritise nothing but your own gluttony and whims.

But I feel like I’m cheating. I’m still hunting for work. I’m still stuck in this place called limbo. I’m doing every thing I can to find work but still no luck.

On the plus side it’s time for a new suit. The best way to boost your moral is to treat yourself. So last week I went shopping. Normally I hate clothes shopping. I’m terrible at it. I’m not ashamed to say when ever I go clothes shopping I seek out a female attendant and ask her what would suit me. I see it like this.

People feel good when they look attractive and since I find it hard to keep up with what looks good why not ask for a females perspective. Who else to tell you what makes you look good than a member of the opposite sex.

I look good, I feel good. I feel Good people want to hire me because I make them feel good and give off a positive impression. Its a positive circle.

I can’t wait till I get my new suit. It will be ready to pick up on Wednesday.

SUIT UP!!

And The Winner Is…


Obviously Never You……

You know that feeling when you invest you time and effort into something and it turns out it was in vain. That moment when you know the response you’re about to hear isn’t the one you worked so hard for.

The feeling you get as you wait for the answer your stomach is twisted, your body feel tired from all the effort sort of relieved the waiting is coming to an end.  You are willing with all your heart and soul that things go your way.

Yeah that.

But they don’t.

The answers no… There are so many ways in our language to say “No”

Job interviews have the most impersonal lines.

“Thank you for your time we just feel there’s no space in our organisation for you at this point.”

That’s great.. but what was wrong with us for you not to have a place for us… if you told us we could work on it and become stronger in the future.

Or how about the brush off.

“We have your details we will contact you soon.”

No you won’t, just let us know we wasn’t successful and we can move on.

It’s not just jobs that give us the indirect “No”… recognise these?

“Sorry I have a boy friend…”

“Yeah Right!” (always a harsh one)

And My personal favourite and most experienced brush off.

“You’re such a great friend I wouldn’t want to ruin that.”

Personally I prefer the straight…

“You seem nice but your just not my type.”

The funny thing is no matter how the “no” is delivered you end up with that same disappointing feeling, the more you want it the worse it feels.

But believe me it serves a purpose…

That one time out of what feels like 100…. That one time she smiles and says she’d love to go out or she’d love a drink.

That one time when you actually build up the guts to talk to her and you hit it off……

That one time when you spend 3 weeks working on your interview presentation and they are so impressed by your work that they hire you on the spot.

They leave you on such a high that you end up forgetting about your past disappointments.

I’m still working through the disappointments looking for my high……

Days like today…


They’re one in 365….

I have to admit the day started off bad…. I woke up to the realisation I had no job… I was back on unemployment and if things carried on like this I may not be able to go to uni in September.  I’m 26, Single, living in a situation that makes me unhappy and a real lack of close friends.

On the friends thing I have either offended or have just grown away from me. I’m not sure which it is to be honest, both seem plausible possibilities to me right now.

So I guess I felt sorry for myself. Well wouldn’t you?

So I got myself together and left the house. I wasn’t going to sit around and let myself feel like the bottom of the barrel all day. I was going to do something about it.

First stop Job centre. I’m poor right now. No bus pass, no money. The food i get is on tab from a local shop. So I walk. I put my headphones on, pack my C.V. in my bag and head off in the direction of that black hole, source of malaise and all around disturbing place.

I really don’t know what happened in that thirty minuet journey. It might have been the sunshine, it might have been the Incubus songs (switch-blade is my favourite right now click the name for the song.),  it simply could have been the fresh air whatever it was my mood lightened and I came up with this equation.

Life will get better. All I need is:

(Job/Time + Saving)= Uni
(Uni/Learning+New Friends/Experiences) / Future plans =  Hopeful

Made me smile

Now I don’t feel as bad. It will all happen. I just got to keep focused and busy.

Happy now…. I have a plan.

The Hunt…


It almost feels endless. Diving through adverts… Attending interviews, building experience, attending more interviews, filling out forms and repeating the cycles as many times as it takes.

I’m talking about job hunting. Finding a place where you can work and make an income. In this day and age it’s hard to do. People spend thousands and get into debt to gain an education then have trouble finding a place to use it. The flip side of this is there are people who get the experience and have the skills but lack the education so suffer because of a lack of a simple piece of paper.

I’d say from personal experience eight out of ten times its down to who you know with a little of what you know. Take my recent job opportunity.

Simple enough a bar job… bar tending is something I have plenty of experience in.
it’s not hard. All you really have to do is listen, pay attention and learn a few combinations. Of course there’s the people pleasing aspect to it.

Two shifts in and I’m flying. After two years away from behind a tap I’m falling into action like i was never away. It just so happens there’s another new starter with me. He’s French his English is so/so and his bar skills are lacking if I’m polite about it. Now this guy seems ok. He asks me for a few pointers and I’m happy to help. How to pour a pint of Guinness. What makes up a JagerBomb? Simple things that a first timer may not know. Everything is going well.

Fast forward to today. After receiving a call that the shifts were ready for the next week I see my manager. He politely informs me that he’s decided not to hire me. Now this is news to me, only the other night we was sitting down filling out employment papers, he’s patting me on the back and telling me he can see promotions coming up for me and I’d make a great manager. Now this.
I ask him why he has a simple answer… “I feel your too bossy” Again this is news to me. Not once did I give an order, ask someone to do something or in any way push myself into control of a situation.

Then it hits me. I remember my manager talking about making a mistake having two trial shifts at the same time on my first night. Also the last shift where French guy and Mr Manager were too close for people that have supposedly just met, talking about common friends. Lastly the fact Frenchy was looking for full time work and there were only enough hours for two part timers or one full timer.

Looks like I’m on the job hunt again.