Isn’t It Funny..


I finally realised it today, I finally saw movies for what they are… The opportunity to rub our noses in the fantasy we want consciously or sub consciously for our selves.

Take the Inbetweeners Movie for example… Heres the plot.

SPOILER ALERT>>> STOP READING NOW IF YOUR ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO HATE KNOWING WHAT HAPPENS BEFORE IT DOES>>>>

Four Friends Each with a different insecurity.. aged around 19 to 21 go away on holiday to drink and have sex. Each have relatively no experience with women. By the middle of the movie even if you havent seen the tv series that came before this you’re praying for something to go their way. By the end of the movie.. if your anything like me you’re going to be wishing you was one of the four male leads.

The film uses four guys to talk to all of our own insecurities, blows them out of proportion and make me feel worse.

Great… It’s all good… But now the movies finished I find myself sitting here wondering why I’m single….

And I was doing so well burying my neurosis under keeping busy by working.

Still Its a great film…

That Moment


Mamihlapinatapai is a word from the Yaghan language of Tierra del Fuego, listed in The Guinness Book of World Records as the “most succinct word”, and is considered one of the hardest words to translate. It refers to “a look shared by two people, each wishing that the other will offer something that they both desire but are unwilling to suggest or offer themselves.”

You know that moment when you miss a chance to ask for their Number?

Well I do all too well.

Take today for example…

You’ve probably heard this story 1000 times before but let me tell you what happened.

I’m at work. Behind the till serving customers, It’s been a long day but i have a smile as usual and I’m not that cheesy guy but i know how to strike up a conversation.

Over she walks with a bottle of water and we get talking somehow the conversation turns to Germany.  We brush over the areas we’ve even to and she used to live in Munich. We say a few words in German and then she tells me the weathers amazing over there. Now all day today in London it has been raining so i say “well let’s just go for the weekend.” she smiles and considers the idea. At that point I quickly change the subject and ask her for the money she has to pay.

Just before she leaves there is another pause. “Have a nice afternoon” i say and with that I’ve dismissed the opportunity and she leaves the shop.

As she’s walking away down the street i turn and look after her. She also turns and looks, smiles and waves…

I missed my moment……

Its times like these i wish women would just speak up if you’re interested. Your letting the nice guys pass you by.

Still…. I’m an Idiot!!!

Slow down Brain… You Haven’t Even Asked For Her Number Yet.


Welcome to the world of over thinking…

Before i continue you should know I’ve been doing a lot of it. (Over thinking i mean)

I’ve passed through a period of slight depression and confusion and come out in a world of possibilities that lead me to overthink a lot more than i used to.

But let’s keep this simple… Intent.

It’s a mother F**ker. There is intent (good or bad) behind everything we do. At the base of all actions is the sole desire to gain something.

This really screws me up when it comes to flirting with women.

I work in an area that has some amazing looking women and i find myself wishing i could overcome that intent barrier.

Yes i want to get some of them into a bedroom and make them sweat, scream, moan and even black out in the throes of ecstasy but there’s more to it.

I want to find out if these women have more than stunning bodies and pretty faces. I want to know if we can talk for hours about geeky movies and which films they enjoyed more.  I want to know how they cope in awkward situations and if they have any interests they are passionate about… i want to know if we can hang out and be challenged by each other’s perceptions and ideas. I want to argue, make up, live life and discover. and yes I want to fuck.

But at the back of my mind is that Bitch INTENT humming away telling me that her shields already up. Telling me she’s already thinking “he just wants to fuck, He’s going to hurt me, be prepared. Keep your guard up”

Wish i could stop over thinking.

I suppose it’s my issue not hers.

Its been a while…


I didn’t run away… I didnt forget… There has been a lot going on…

Image

So i got a job. Make that three. I find myself working away and building the life style i want. Things are moving along nicely. My calender is becoming fuller and my options more limited but its a nice feeling. I feel whole again. I no longer feel usless and i have gained a new perspective.

Welcome to the working class.

The Friend Zone


Its funny, We spend what feels like a huge amount time looking for meaningful relationships but an equal part sabotaging them. I’m not even talking about relationships. just basic friendships. because lets face it if we can sustain them what hope do we have of having real sexual relations.

That thought occurred to me today when coming home on the bus. I was thinking about the last time I actually enjoyed the company of a good friend.

Silly things tend to get between us like Money, Gossip and jealousy.

I really don’t want to sit here and preach but was it really worth end. I mean all that time you spent with them must have been for a reason. is it really something you can’t talk about and sort out.

You only really end up more alone and troubled without them.

Out of the Void…..


……Into the Black.

Inspirations been lacking lately. I’ve been so busy trying to build my future that I feel like I’ve let my creativity down.

My single minded determination to better my life through the pursuit of basic things like work, money and stability has become so time consuming and demanding I feel like I’ve let my creativity rot.

Not just that but my personal life is also suffering. It eats me up to not be able to do the things I want because of a lack of funds. Maybe it’s the hunter gatherer in me. The need to provide and protect. In my current situation if I wanted to do anything fun like go out… or play poker it would be impossible. No funds.

It gets worse… I met someone. She’s amazing. Fun caring. Amazingly attractive.  The only downside is me. Maybe it’s because I don’t feel good enough for her right now, maybe it’s the old fashioned man that wants to treat her to things. Not to buy affection but because I can and she deserves nice things. Like good food and drink. Trips to nice places. You know the romantic things. But then again it comes from both sides. I pulled away… it’s my pride I guess.

This is where it all becomes a bit of a mess. My personal life and my financing don’t match its affecting everything. My creativity is suffering. My dating life is just awkward and I can’t do anything but keep my head down and try harder to find work. It’s a vicious circle.

I usually have a positive or funny message at the end of my posts…. This time I have no idea how to spin it.

I don’t feel as bad as I did in my last post. I know i was at the bottom then. I knew things could only get better but its still black.

Things are darkest before the dawn I suppose.

The Void….


No one wants to read about depressing issues but I hope by writing this down and letting it out I’ll feel better.

This is therapy and you are my therapists. Mute blank faces I don’t have to worry about feeding me bullshit like “Don’t Give Up” and “Stay positive”.

Those are the words of people making themselves feel better by saying what they think they should. I’m not suicidal. I’m not mentally ill. You don’t need to worry about guilt from not having done anything for me. It’s not like that. I promise.
It’s just…..

I have this sinking feeling inside my chest. I have this strange dark rotten feeling because I don’t know how I’m going to get through this part of my life.

I’ve tried keeping myself occupied with hobbies, looking for things to do that involve other people, making the most of my time when I’m not Job hunting so I don’t feel like this, but it creeps up on me.

I try and stay positive but… It’s a weight. A Chain that wraps around my chest and makes it hard to breath. A black Hole that sucks anything good away from my mind.

Bruce Lee once said “What you habitually think largely determines what you will ultimately become.”  That scares me I don’t want to become a failure.

Believe me I’m trying to stay positive But I have no job. With no job I can not pay for uni next September. I have no credit to get a loan. I’m stuck living in a place where I spend my time alone because the people around me are worse than being alone. What little money I do get goes on food. I cant afford to go out with my friends and when I do go out with them (Very rarely now) I feel like a mooch (beggar) because I have no money to do what they do. I have Debt again. Not much but enough to make me feel worse. It doesn’t help that the past three times I’ve thought I had a new job something has happened to change the situation. They’ve found someone else or the vacancy has been cancelled due to budget cuts.

I suppose I should look at the positives right now. I have a roof over my head. I have my health…. Damn it that’s about it.

It can only get better I know. But i don’t know how much more of this I can take.

Even Mcdonalds turned me down.

But its ok… All I have to do is “Stay Positive”

The next person who wants to say that STOP… Think for a second. Wouldn’t it be far more helpful to see if that friend of yours can get me a job. I assure you I’m one of the hardest working people you’ll ever meet.

I’m not going to tempt fate too much.. But it can’t get much worse than this.

CAN IT????