No one wants to read about depressing issues but I hope by writing this down and letting it out I’ll feel better.
This is therapy and you are my therapists. Mute blank faces I don’t have to worry about feeding me bullshit like
“Don’t Give Up” and “Stay positive”.
Those are the words of people making themselves feel better by saying what they think they should. I’m not suicidal. I’m not mentally ill. You don’t need to worry about guilt from not having done anything for me. It’s not like that. I promise.
I have this sinking feeling inside my chest. I have this strange dark rotten feeling because I don’t know how I’m going to get through this part of my life.
I’ve tried keeping myself occupied with hobbies, looking for things to do that involve other people, making the most of my time when I’m not Job hunting so I don’t feel like this, but it creeps up on me.
I try and stay positive but… It’s a weight. A Chain that wraps around my chest and makes it hard to breath. A black Hole that sucks anything good away from my mind.
Bruce Lee once said “What you habitually think largely determines what you will ultimately become.” That scares me I don’t want to become a failure.
Believe me I’m trying to stay positive But I have no job. With no job I can not pay for uni next September. I have no credit to get a loan. I’m stuck living in a place where I spend my time alone because the people around me are worse than being alone. What little money I do get goes on food. I cant afford to go out with my friends and when I do go out with them (Very rarely now) I feel like a mooch (beggar) because I have no money to do what they do. I have Debt again. Not much but enough to make me feel worse. It doesn’t help that the past three times I’ve thought I had a new job something has happened to change the situation. They’ve found someone else or the vacancy has been cancelled due to budget cuts.
I suppose I should look at the positives right now. I have a roof over my head. I have my health…. Damn it that’s about it.
It can only get better I know. But i don’t know how much more of this I can take.
Even Mcdonalds turned me down.
But its ok… All I have to do is
The next person who wants to say that STOP… Think for a second. Wouldn’t it be far more helpful to see if that friend of yours can get me a job. I assure you I’m one of the hardest working people you’ll ever meet.
I’m not going to tempt fate too much.. But it can’t get much worse than this.